Monday, October 5, 2009

A Day Late and Lots of Dollars Short

I don't even have to take the first sip of coffee to get the bliss hit: just smelling it is enough. When making lunches or breakfast or otherwise diverting my attention elsewhere, I will sometimes pour a cup and wait until I'm in a peaceful enough moment to take the first sip so I can appreciate it fully.

It's a gorgeous day from the kitchen table. My view of the backyard shows that the grass is overgrown and lush; it looks like moss from here, with gold highlights where the sun is hitting it and deeper forest shadows elsewhere. The chickens are up and there's a very light breeze moving the rosebush and the lavender, which is confusedly blooming right now.

I'm sort of amazed how I can step back from writing to throw myself into other work and I don't really miss it. I don't feel any poems swimming around in my dark sea, trying to crawl up onto solid ground and be born; there's no urge to blog or jot down phrases or even read. I don't feel sad or bad about this--I know it will come back. More just wonderous that I can switch gears so smoothly. This old girl still has a good clutch.

These last few weeks I've been so overwhelmed with my to-do list for The Swinery, and trying to be as supportive as I can to Gabe in his last frenzy of holding the pieces together. It's tough to defend him against others who finally seem to think he's crazy; the other day I had to put my foot down on an old friend who just went too far telling me the connections between Gabe's personality and the demise of Culinary Communion. Bah.

Pardon me if, switching-gears style, I jump subjects here. Vashon has been so very good to us, and this home has been a healing place, but I miss my friends. Earlier this week I had a sort of emotional mini-crisis and texted a friend and got back "sorry, sweetie." I feel so removed from my support network. Maybe that's good, in a way; maybe I needed to learn to take care of and support myself better instead of relying on friends to always drop by and cheer me up. I'm relying on myself more now because I have to. (The increasing size of my butt, if nothing else, has been encouraging me to try to change my mental outlook myself without a little pick-me-up drinkie at the end of the day. So that's good too.)

Is there some sort of cohesive thread to stitch all these thoughts together? I don't know. I love the work I'm doing, I love working with Gabe again. The best moments have been when the two of us, and Damiana too because she's such a badass, have been working together in synch behind the counter and I am reminded so strongly of how we used to work together, quietly and with the same thought process, for CC. I've really been enjoying that. I love the other parts of my new job, too, all except for the lack of money part--it's hard to run a business that's broke, although now that we have an actual revenue stream I am enormously encouraged.

OK, this post has sat unfinished for almost two days. Sheesh.

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